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Prem's Guide to Desi Romeos

    Once again, here it is folks, (a little late this year), the all new
    Fall 1993 edition of the DESI ROMEOS GUIDE BOOK.  It is long, but it
    is worth reading, especially if you're a desi woman...

    As a cover-my-ass-disclaimer,  let me state that the people described
    here in no way represent the entire male desi student population.  They
    are just light-hearted caricatures of the interesting ones...  :-) In no
    way is this meant to cast aspersions on the rest of the upstanding desi
    student populace. (no, really, I mean it... :-).

    Also, the use of "chicks" or "babes" is not meant as a putdown, but only
    used because the context warranted the usage of those terms.

    Since this is coming out so late in this semester, maybe this year's
    freshie female students have already observed some of the behaviour
    described here...  as always, your opinions are very welcome.  If you 
    have been the target of any new tricks,  do let us know so that we can
    include them in next semester's edition, due sometime in, oh, January
    or February for the benefit of next sem's new arrivals...     :-)

    I would like to thank ACReddy  ([email protected])  who provided some
    input, without which this effort would have taken half the time... :-)

    Also the female netters who provided some new "cases".  My thanks for
    your input.

    Bouquests and brickbats (preferably in that order) to
      Prem!  ([email protected]) and ACReddy ([email protected])

    Without further ado, we present to you, the disinfected, irradiated,
    vacuum-sealed, made with pride in the USofA, glow-in-the-dark and
    ribbed-for-your-pleasure 1993 edition of:
    
    %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
    %%%%                                                                %%%%
    %%%%                  PREM!'S DESI ROMEOS GUIDE-BOOK                %%%%
    %%%%                                                                %%%%
    %%%%                    Prem!  ([email protected])                  %%%%
    %%%%                                                                %%%%
    %%%%  VERY VALUABLE contributions from ACReddy ([email protected])  %%%%
    %%%%                                                                %%%%
    %%%%           Additional input and helpful reviewing by:           %%%%
    %%%%              [email protected]         [email protected]               %%%%
    %%%%              [email protected]       [email protected]               %%%%
    %%%%                                                                %%%%
    %%%%               A handy handbook to identify the                 %%%%
    %%%%               wiles and guiles of desi romeos...               %%%%
    %%%%                                                                %%%%
    %%%%              (PHYLUM: Desi,  GENUS: Romeonensis)               %%%%
    %%%%                                                                %%%%
    %%%%    All rights (and wrongs) pertaining to this article are      %%%%
    %%%%    reserved by the author(s).  This article or any part        %%%%
    %%%%    thereof may not be reproduced or published in any form      %%%%
    %%%%    without the explicit consent of the author(s), and even     %%%%
    %%%%    then must be accompanied by this notice.  The only change   %%%%
    %%%%    permitted to the text of this article is any changes which  %%%%
    %%%%    may be necessary to reflect the author's current email      %%%%
    %%%%    address.  Any violation of the above will constitute a      %%%%
    %%%%    violation of copyright.                                     %%%%
    %%%%                                                                %%%%
    %%%%    Any reproduction of Prem!'s Desi Romeos Guidebook MUST      %%%%
    %%%%    ALWAYS be accompanied by the preamble above this notice.    %%%%
    %%%%                                                                %%%%
    %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%


    Since the annual induction of new recruits into s.c.i. is under way, 
    let me start the ball rolling on the touchy topic of the intrepid
    romeo's courtship ritual...

    I would love to say that any resemblance to people living or married is
    a coincidence,  but unfortunately that isn't really the case.  It has 
    been my misfortune to come across despos who fit at least one description
    very well.  Some of the descriptions here are based on the outrageous
    opinions expressed by our dudes in private in an all-male environment,
    usually in a stag party while consuming egg-curry and the ubiquitous 
    'chole' and raita, and chugging cheap beer.  They probably did not 
    expect these clandestine details of the courtship ritual would become 
    public knowledge... so sue me.      :-)

    %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    SMOOTHIES :  The Smoothest, The Slimiest:

    We begin with the SMOOTHIES...  those who have been here for a year
    or two, some of whom are resigned to spending a couple more years on
    their Ph.D., and have that magic phrase "I have a car".  Having thus 
    established their solid gold credentials with the new girls as the
    "guys-to-be-smiled-at-so-that-they-can-be-asked-for-rides-to-groceries",
    they are the elite of the desi student circle.

    Common come-ons used by the Smoothies include:

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE TALENT AGENT:                                (Romeonensis Recruitus)
    ========================================================================
    Favourite Pickup-line:
      "Hello,  I am Dr. Breslauer's RA."

    The romeo who uses this line usually has been working for 3 years with 
    a well-funded prof in the department, whose RA'ship offers are being
    actively sought after by the freshies.  He really has NO say whatsoever
    in the decision, but until the RA'ships are decided, this guy is sitting
    pretty.  We would advise him to move quickly and snare a naive new
    student before the RAships are assigned.  His answering machine usually
    gets a lot of messages in the month RA'ships are assigned...  
    he only calls back the female callers... the guys will just have to call
    him again...

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE SLIMEY GROPER:                                 (Romeonensis Gropius)
    ( Also known as the DANCE MASTER )
    ========================================================================
    Favourite Pickup-lines:
      "Hi, would you like to take the ballroom dancing class with me?"

    The oldest sleaze-bucket trick.
    Ulterior motive: To grope and fondle forbidden flesh.

    This is the smoothie who religiously attends all the new-student 
    orientation parties...  scopes out all the 'fast' ones who venture out
    on the dance floor...   generally goes for quasi ABCD's or Bombay types
    ...  The only species of romeo who is sleazy enough to even hit on 
    married women.  A standard approach is to pay a shallow compliment to
    half a dozen girls (one at a time, of course!) such as:

      "Hello, you have very nice voice.  Just like MS Subbulakshmi."
                                  OR
      "Hello, you dance very well.  Did you take dance lessons?"

    Our lady-of-the-dance-floor invariably giggles and says: 
      "No, I only took bharatanatyam when I was little."
    Hmmm...  Excellent candidate for hitting upon later.  So our groper
    invites her over (with some other friends, of course) to his house
    a couple of evenings for dinner...  and then pops the question...

      "There is a ballroom dance class every Tuesday evening.  Would you
       like to be my partner...  you dance really well (yeah, of course!)"

    Some of the intended victims see the slime dripping all over him,
    but there is always one innocent girl who falls for the oldest trick
    in the desi-lothario's repertoire...  and our groper-friend is all
    set to get his paws ready for a semester's groping and fondling,  all
    for just 45 bucks registration fee (split 22.50 each, of course...).
    Plus he can look forward to being taken out to Pizza Hut by drooling
    roomies and wanna-be-slimeys who get their kicks by his serious 
    XXX-rated description of each dance-class.

    He struts and brags, and within a day, the entire romeo community is
    aware of his conquest.  A couple of his cronies call him up (even
    long-distance!) to "congratulate" him on his success at luring yet
    another freshie with the old trick:
    
      "saale, hat-trick maar diya, last year Pooja ko pataaya, last sem
      Rajni ko, aur abhi isko bhi thokne ka plaan bana raha hai kya?
      Kya class le raha hai, saala, Lambada sikha na usko!!  Heh heh heh,
      Saala, congrats yaar!  *sneer*  *smirk*  *nudge*".  
      
    All his friends snigger in the background and start making plans to
    hit upon the poor girl who, of course, is absolutely _thrilled_ at
    being the "popular" girl...  
    
    Poor chick (who may still be in denial of having fallen for such an 
    obvious trick) gets the reputation of being "fast", "dumb" and an easy
    lay;  is doomed to fighting off sleazy advances from every desi
    desperado in town for the rest of her sojourn at the Univ.  After she
    graduates and leaves, she becomes a legendary figure, the yardstick for
    measuring "fastness", and the stories just get embellished more for the
    entertainment of new students for years to come.

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE SLIMEY SCOPER:                                 (Romeonensis Scopius)
    ========================================================================
    Favourite Pickup-line:
      "Hi, I have olympic size swimming pool in my apartment. 
       I can teach you swimming...?"

    The lesser twin of the Slimey Groper.  Moves 17 blocks away from the
    University just because the apartment has a swimming pool.  Always
    plans elaborate "pool-parties",  which invariably end up with a
    dude-dudette ratio of 14-to-2  (one of them being the ever popular 
    "dance class" victim who is always invited to parties for all the wrong
    reasons...).

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE CHAUFFEUR:                                     (Romeonensis Mobilus)
    ========================================================================
    Favourite Pickup-line:
      "Hi, I am going to K-Mart.  You want ride?  I have one extra seat..."
    
    Actually, there will be two extra seats vacant,  three if you count
    that ragged one with the funny oil-stain...  but of course, the chances
    of a freshie saying yes to going anywhere alone with him would be slim
    ... so the reassuring "one seat is vacant..."  implying that there will
    be other people present...

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE CHAUFFEUR DELUXE:                        (Romeonensis Mobilus Ultra)
                        (Romeonensis Mobilus Alpina/Pioneera/Aiwa/Audiovoxa) 
    ========================================================================
    Favourite Pickup-line:
      "Hi, I am going to K-Mart.  You want a ride?  
       I have a car stereo..."

    A sub-species of the common-or-garden Chauffeur.  The distinguishing
    mark being that funny noises bearing a passing resemblance to an old
    Dire Straits song occasionally emanate from a wheezy speaker hidden
    in the recesses of his automobile.

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE MOVIE MOGUL:                               (Romeonensis Cinematicus)
    ========================================================================
    He doesn't have a car.  He doesn't have the Slimey Groper's ability to
    cheat and deceive.  He has tried asking newbies out to ballroom class,
    but somehow, all of them have seen through him, and the really dumb ones
    have already been snapped up for "ballroom-dance-classes" by the Slimey 
    Groper.
    
    But he does have that master ace up his sleeve, or more accurately,
    perched precariously atop his tv...   the magic box that has the power
    to induce women to stay past midnight in his apartment... the VCR.
    Manages to get some newbie dudettes into his apartment to watch 
    "Nayagan" or "Roja", or that old reliable, "Sholay".
      (editor's note:  This was first written in 1992.  Hence the
                       Nayagan/Roja reference.  I dunno which movies
                       are currently in vogue for this purpose.)

    Ten minutes into the movie, Movie Mogul changes into his lungi.  His
    roomie plays the good host with nachos & cheese dip. He makes coffee
    with his lungi hitched up in half & a kitchen towel on his shoulder.
    These dudes try to impress their guests by shouting dialogues a good
    two minutes before the scene.  Sonia, from Delhi, has no clue what is
    going on.  The next time she visits, it will only be for help with 
    Math805 assignment.

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE FATHER FIGURE:                           (Romeonensis Paterfamilias)
    ========================================================================
    Favourite Pickup-line:
      "Hello...  No, no! Don't call me uncle."

    He is the one person on campus who has the one quality all other
    lotharios envy:   an aura of harmless trustworthiness...  

    Full sleeve tericott bush-shirt (Amba Tailors, Rajajinagar), tight
    dress pants, Bata shoes recently replaced with black Reeboks, same
    nylon socks - all 4 seasons.  Need I mention Brahmi Amla Hair Oil?

    Has lots of "Platonic" friendships.  Hates Plato.  Wishes Plato had
    never been born.

    He is usually on excellent terms with the veteran desi females on 
    campus.  This gives him instant respectability among the newbies.  
    Always trust-worthy, courteous and helpful.  Other desi guys hate
    his guts, because newbies soon learn that it is far better to ask him
    for a ride than one of the other desperadoes...  Keeps an umbrella in
    his office.  Walks chicks home on rainy days.  Of course, he dares not
    try anything for fear of losing his reputation...  Always afraid 
    someone will discover his stash of porno magazines hidden under the 
    bathroom sink.

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE INTER-RACIAL:                           (Romeonensis Miscegeneticus)
    ========================================================================
    Favourite Pickup-line:
      "Hi, this is Debbie, my date."

    The guy who is on top of the world.  For the moment.  The one with the
    "gori" girlfriend "Debbie".  He speaks not of Diwali, but of Thanksgiving.
    He has the respect and admiration from all the juniors.  "Saale ne gori 
    ko pataa liya yaar."  His seniors don't particularly care because they
    know that Debbie was a drunken loser the semester before he turned up.
    He dreams of getting a green-card through Debbie, the US Citizen.  This
    dude has never been south of Chicago, but has contracted the Southern 
    Drawl from his g.f.  Tries to convince everyone that Debbie was really a
    virgin until he met her.  He has tried to convince others so hard of this
    that he almost believes it himself...
    
    Debbie Dumps Desi when she gets a real job and moves to another town.

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE ECLECTICUS:                                 (Romeonensis Eclecticus)
    ========================================================================
    Favourite Pickup-line:
      "Like, hi man, what a scene.  Like I was totally lubed man... 
       totally like an Ephemeris video dude... like blow me man."

    Very, very rare - this dude listens exclusively to new age, drives a
    beat up Bug with psychedelic murals on the fenders and a stained glass
    rear-window...   has Dali posters in his living room, a nude he sketched
    himself in his bathroom, an open condom pack on the counter.  This dude 
    actually brews his own beer.   Long hair and an earring seems de riguer.
    Never tries to pick-up desi chicks...  usually accompanied by a pale,
    skinny, raggedy blonde with a nose-ring and a tattoo, and a couple of 
    pot joints in her pocket...



    %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    The "Seniors":

    This is the underclass of the desi lothario heirarchy.
    
    Those who have been here a scant one or two semesters, and have not yet
    acquired a car.  Some of them purchase a VCR and turn into wanna-be
    movie-moguls.  But they haven't yet acquired the smoothies' savoir
    faire, and the easy sense of 'I belong here' that distinguishes the
    sleazemen from the sleazeboys.

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE TOURIST GUIDE:                           (Romeonensis Peripateticus)
    ========================================================================
    Favourite Pickup-line:
      "Last month, when I was in Grand Canyon..."

    This is the guy-on-the-move, the going-places dude... or that is the
    impression he gives.  Overrates the already over-rated.  Doesn't mention
    that he had never left the premises of the campus until that big trip 
    to the edge of the Grand Canyon.  Drove a rental subcompact crammed
    with 5 desis singing to Kishore Kumar songs on the tape player all the
    way.  Always argues about whether Yose-might or Yose-miti is the right
    pronunciation... although he hasn't really ever been to Yosemite.
    
    His main drawing power is the tale about how his co-driver was caught
    speeding on the highway.  Feels smug until someone mentions the ticket
    he got for reversing into the freeway from an exit-ramp.
    
    Will try to pick up newbies by talking about how he can rent a car 
    with his American Express Chaarj card.  Fails spectacularly.

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE PHOTOOO-JOURNALIST:                          (Romeonensis Autofocus)
    ========================================================================
    Favourite Pickup-line:
      "This is me in front of Universal Studios..."

    Carefully documents his summer vacation with the photooos taken in
    front of prominent landmarks,  including uncle Chunnibhai's motel in
    Bakersfield.  These photoos are commonly referred to as "Patel-Shots".
    His approach is not "u have to see to believe it", it's more like "look
    at this foto, yaar, I have been there" showing a patel shot.  Invites
    people to his apartment to see the pictures.  Hardly any success...

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE NOT-SO-GOOD SAMARITAN:                        (Romeonensis Nefarius)
    ========================================================================
    Favourite Pickup-line:
      "You are taking 'Advanced Computer Calisthenics'?  No problem.  Friend
       took it last semester. Will get you the book. It costs 40 dollars."
    Freshie giggles and simpers a thank you, thinking, "what a nice guy!",
    and our samaritan extrapolates this into a wild fantasy.  


    "She wants me!  I bet she wants me baaaad!", he keeps telling himself 
    as he runs to the university book store through the pouring rain and
    buys the book (sorry, no used version available).
    
    Two weeks later, ladki bhee gayee, paisa bhee gaya.  How does he manage
    to afford this? Well, he takes the book back from the freshie at the end 
    of the semester and returns it for a 60% refund at the bookstore.

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE FRUGAL GOURMET:                   (Romeonensis Gustatus-Parsimonius)
    ========================================================================
    Favourite Pickup-line:
      "No, no.  Taco Bell doesn't use lard.  And Taco Bell has unlimited
       Pepsi refill macha!!  But MacDonald's has good milkshake."

    Apart from being the fast-food aficionado, he has also mastered the
    art of making tostadas at home.  Expert on cooking advice, though
    most of his dinners comprise of two burritos to go and unlimited 
    small pepsi.  
    
    Gets one and only one "date" to go to Taco Bell.  She doesn't talk to
    him again for the rest of the semester.  When questioned,  he only 
    says, "oh, she wants to go out again, but she is too busy."  She, on
    the other hand, usually changes the subject when the topic comes up.

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE WANNABE MOVIE MOGUL:                (Romeonensis Cinematicus Minora)
    ========================================================================
    Favourite Pickup-line:
      "Hi.  I have VCR."

    Has very little success with that pick-up line.  Wonders whether he
    should not have spent that 150 bucks on the Korean VCR...  Has got
    into the habit of eating Doritos and Coke for dinner while sprawled in
    front of the telly.
    
    Uses room-freshener and cologne inter-changeably.  Generally dejected at
    not havin' "patao"ed a single chic in spite of the VCR.  Doesn't realize
    it may have something to do with the fact that he tried to trick a
    freshie dudette into getting "hot" by watching a XXX-rated movie...

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE ASPIRING INTER-RACIAL:           (Romeonensis Miscegeneticus Minora)
    ========================================================================
    Cut-offs, "just do me" T shirt, coasters from payless shoes,
    $2 reflecting sunglasses with neon threads, baseball cap worn 
    backwards, just like Puke-Daddy-MC on MTV.

    He hangs out with the smoothie interracial (refer to description above)
    all the time, and picks up enough skills to have moderate success in the
    ABCD crowd.  Has hopes of someday getting out of his relationship with
    the ABCD, but chances of survival are pretty slim.  He is usually married
    to the ABCD by the time he graduates, or very shortly thereafter.  The
    juniors, of course, marvel at his girlfriend, and try to hit on her
    so that she can get _them_ dates.

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE IIT-ian:                                      (Romeonensis Clanicus)
    ========================================================================
    Favourite Pickup-line:
      "Hi. I am from IIT-B.  I was 247th in JEE.  My name is Raj."

    Has even lesser success with that pick-up line than the wannabe-mogul.
    None of the "smoothies" use this line because they have realized no one
    gives a damn.  Our IIT-ian still clings on in the fervent hope that the
    cachet of his undergraduate institution will make nubile young things
    swoon with awe.  Sure,  ex-IIT-ian chicks hang out with him, but hey,
    we all know that ain't worth squat...

    Faded blue Levis, round-neck Tee, mostly wears bathroom slippers from 
    hostel days. No wrist watch.  Hasn't given up smoking yet.  Main source
    of entertainment:  the e-mail list of all his IIT batchmates...

    Can't understand how that other guy, a non-IITian (gasp), gets all the
    dates.  Drowns his loneliness by hanging out with wing-mates from IIT-B
    and reminiscing about old Katre, the Taklu tutor at Agrawal's.
    
    When introduced to new IIT-M arrivals, always asks them which hostel they
    they were from: Goda or Mandaks?

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE SUPER-TECHIE:                               (Romeonensis Esotericus)
    ========================================================================
    Favourite Pickup-line:
      "then you issue an asynchronous sigint to the child process through
       the named pipe which induces it and fork a subcommand in the same
       kernel thread which..."

    As expected, he has little success with anyone, except newbies who need
    help figuring out how to log into their accounts.  Needless to say,
    these newbies don't understand the detailed login instructions our
    Super-Techie gives them.  

    While "helping" them, he manages to get their passwords and reads all
    their personal email for the next two semesters.  If this doesn't work,
    he can break into their computer anyway.  Generally considered a
    reliable source for gossip about the freshies' private affairs.

    Freshie guys always come to him for info on how to decode the gifs on
    alt.sex.pictures...
    
    When officemate asks about lost car keys, helpfully suggests grep-ing
    for them iteratively in /usr/office/desk -drawer and /usr/pants/pockets.

    Usually seen in plain shirt (or whatever mom sent him), pair of jeans,
    unkempt hair, didn't-shave-or-shower-in-2-days-look.  A bold HMT 
    (grandpa's high school graduation gift) adorns the wrist.  Survives on
    pizza, Cheetos and Jolt.  Has programmed the vending machine into 
    selling him candy for a nickel.


    %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    The "Freshie" Dudes:

    Pretty much nothing to say about the freshie guys.  Most of them are
    preoccupied with settling into graduate student life.  So their Romeo-
    nating characteristics have not yet come sufficiently to the fore to
    enable classification.
    
    And since they have not been accepted by credit card companies yet, 
    their ability to go out on dates is somewhat hampered.  Which is not
    a problem, because with the standard opening line:
        "Hello, I am from Gowripalya in Ramnagar, where you are from?",
    or the ever popular:
        "What is your mother tongue?" ,
    they really don't have much luck in getting a date.

    And the fact that these guys were fighting bitterly over a dog-eared
    three-year-old issue of Penthouse in the T.A.lab last Tuesday doesn't 
    help their chances...

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE  DEHAATI:                                     (Romeonensis Rusticus)
    ========================================================================
    Favourite Pickup-line:
      "yhou know what haapined when I came out of airport?  
       I got taxi, and yhou know, taxiwala was Indian!"

    Always speaks about a couple of octaves higher than necessary.  Responds
    to the name "Babloo".  Just arrived from Gorakhpur.  Absolutely thrilled
    that the taxi he took from the airport was driven by a Jat dude from
    Faridabad.  Exchanges phone numbers with taxi-dude and resolves to keep
    in touch with the fellow.  Writes to mom about it. 

    Contacts relatives in "Buphalo", "Peetsburg" and "Batlimore" (no, not
    a typo) on the first day to inform them that 'he has arrived'.  Gets
    confused by the answering machine at his cousin's number in "Arijona"
    and leaves a completely undecipherable message.

    Buys a large economy size bottle of Brut on his first grocery trip.
    Before stepping out of the apartment, BRUT goes under arms, on shirt,
    back side of shirt, inside shirt, inside the VIP brief...

    While some desi romeos buy Aqua Velva (utmost parsimony),  the Dehaati
    pays a few cents more for "achcha khaasaa boo".

    Suitcase filled with latest line in safari suits from Gorakhpur.  Wears
    kurta-achkan and shiny new Reebok sneakers to orientation.
    Wants to buy Haanda Civeec.  
    Wants to patao sitijen or haraa pathey waali.  
    No wonder, dude is chasing our younger cousins (aka undergrad ABCDs).

    ________________________________________________________________________
    THE SLIMEBALL:                                       (Romeonensis Mucus)
    ========================================================================
    Silently scopes out all the 'chicks',  with help from his mentor, the
    Slimey Groper.  Tries to score but strikes out because the slime is
    still a little too obvious.  Hits on other people's wives/girlfriends
    at the orientation.  Tries to hit on every American girl who smiles at
    him.  Backstabs to get assistantships.

    Insists on walking girls home from department at night.

      "Arrey, very dangerous, you know, not like Mylapore.  Last week only
       my friend Rick got mugged on Maple Avenue...  Chalo, chalo, let me
       walk you home...  Oh you want to work in lab for two more hours? 
       No problem, I can wait..." 

    In the end, the poor girl ends up calling our trustworthy Father Figure
    (see the smoothie section for description) to escort her home.  
    Father Figure smoothly whisks the maiden away, ignoring our slimeball's
    scowl and flashing him a cordial smile...

    Consummate geek that he is,  recycles centuries old jokes he reads on
    rec.humor.  Every alternate sentence is punctuated with a reference to
    beer.  Has practically memorized the list of reasons "Why beer is better
    than women".  But two cans of pissweak lager make him tipsy.  Manages to
    hitch his wagon to his idol, the Slimey-Groper and begins to try out 
    some tricks but without immediate success...  shows promise...  
    If people still trust him in two years, he may turn into a successful 
    Slimey Groper.  Until then, he organizes pot-luck parties.