"Do you have elephants in India ?"
by [email protected] (RICHA GOVIL)

How to answer the usual questions asked of Indians

To help the new wave of incoming students from India,
here are the proper answers to awkward questions asked everyday:

Q.  What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
A.	Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery
	skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot.
	In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives.
	You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target....

Q.  You're from India?  I have read so much about the country.  All
    the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants.
    Do you still use elephants for transportation?
A.	Absolutely.  In fact we used to have our own elephant in our 
	house.  But later, we started participating in elephant-ride
	sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air.  You see
	elephants have an "emissions" problem.....

Q.  Does India have cars?
A.	No.  We ride elephants to work.  The government is trying to
	encourage ride-sharing schemes.

Q.  Does India have TV?
A.	No.  We only have cable.

Q.  Are all Indians vegetarian?
A.	Yes.  Even tigers are vegetarian in India.

Q.  How come you speak English so well?
A.  	You see when the British were ruling India,they employed Indians
	as servants.  It took too long for the Indians to learn English.
	So the British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused 
	their servants' babies with it and since then
	all babies born are born speaking English.

Q.  Are you a Hindi?
A.  	Yes.  I am spoken everyday in Northern India.

Q.  Do you speak Hindu?
A.	Yes,  I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.

Q.  Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A.	Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would
	let me go to school.

Q.  India is very hot, isn't it?
A.	It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously.
	That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.

Q.  Are there any business companies in India?
A. 	No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency.
	We all make our own clothes and grow our own food.  That is why
	you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is is a lot of hard

Q. Indians cannot beef, huh?
A. 	Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet.
	So eating cows is forbidden.  However in order to decrease the
	population of the country, the government is trying to encourage
	everyone to eat human meat.

Q.  India is such a religious place.  Do you meditate regularly?
A.	Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink.  But
	it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work
	when I meditate like that.  But the bosses there do the same thing.
	That is why things are so inefficient there.

Q.  I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A.  	We don't have shoes.  So we burn the botton of our feet to make it
	hard so that we can walk.

Q.  Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A.	I prefer it to coming naked.